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I’m outside your business, taking your wifi

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It’s kind of interesting, finding new perspectives on life. The problem is actually sitting back, paying attention and taking it in instead of going through the motions and letting things slide by.

I was given a prescription for Adderall. 20mg per day. I started it yesterday and I’m really not sure I see a difference. I felt a slight buzz kick in an hour after taking it but I didn’t notice anything beyond that. Some people say it’s a low dose, some people say it will take a few weeks before it reaches its maximum effectiveness, some people point to this as a sign that I really have ADHD because I’d otherwise be washing the ceilings in my house.

Maybe the concentration is better but I’m not sure at this point. It doesn’t seem to boost my motivation but again, I’m still feeling uncertain about it all. I did do a lot today. I went to the YMCA and speed walked three miles, biked a mile and swam seven laps. But I don’t know if that had to do with the Adderall or if I just felt like going. And now I am sitting on a park bench in downtown Royal Oak, stealing wifi and uploading pictures.

These are all things that I like doing and want to do and often don’t end up doing for whatever reason. And that’s what is making me feel like this could be making a difference. I think about going outside to edit photos but I rarely do. I think about working out but I rarely do. I think about writing but I rarely do. It’s like today is a hat trick of productivity for me. And I’m enjoying myself – and I always enjoy myself. So why is it that I frequently go without doing what I like and want to do?

Some of it is depression. It robs me of my motivation and my desires. Sometimes I just feel too antisocial to risk running into someone – people I know or strangers – and knowing I’d have to talk to them. And because this has been happening for so long, some of it is just that I’m used to not doing anything. It’s a combination of habit and laziness. But it’s something I’m working on and this is a testament to that.

I’ve been trying to eat better, which helps. I had trail mix today! And not the salted kind with M&M’s thrown in; the healthy kind with dried fruit. And I like it. For a second, I was considering going grocery shopping at Trader Joe’s but they close in 45 minutes and I’m still enjoying myself out in the wonderful Michigan summer weather. It may or may not sound like I’ve done a lot today. I do know I will sleep well tonight.


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