Taking Pictures to the Moon

The sky has too many limits.

Archive for the ‘writing’ Category

I’m outside your business, taking your wifi

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It’s kind of interesting, finding new perspectives on life. The problem is actually sitting back, paying attention and taking it in instead of going through the motions and letting things slide by.

I was given a prescription for Adderall. 20mg per day. I started it yesterday and I’m really not sure I see a difference. I felt a slight buzz kick in an hour after taking it but I didn’t notice anything beyond that. Some people say it’s a low dose, some people say it will take a few weeks before it reaches its maximum effectiveness, some people point to this as a sign that I really have ADHD because I’d otherwise be washing the ceilings in my house.

Maybe the concentration is better but I’m not sure at this point. It doesn’t seem to boost my motivation but again, I’m still feeling uncertain about it all. I did do a lot today. I went to the YMCA and speed walked three miles, biked a mile and swam seven laps. But I don’t know if that had to do with the Adderall or if I just felt like going. And now I am sitting on a park bench in downtown Royal Oak, stealing wifi and uploading pictures.

These are all things that I like doing and want to do and often don’t end up doing for whatever reason. And that’s what is making me feel like this could be making a difference. I think about going outside to edit photos but I rarely do. I think about working out but I rarely do. I think about writing but I rarely do. It’s like today is a hat trick of productivity for me. And I’m enjoying myself – and I always enjoy myself. So why is it that I frequently go without doing what I like and want to do?

Some of it is depression. It robs me of my motivation and my desires. Sometimes I just feel too antisocial to risk running into someone – people I know or strangers – and knowing I’d have to talk to them. And because this has been happening for so long, some of it is just that I’m used to not doing anything. It’s a combination of habit and laziness. But it’s something I’m working on and this is a testament to that.

I’ve been trying to eat better, which helps. I had trail mix today! And not the salted kind with M&M’s thrown in; the healthy kind with dried fruit. And I like it. For a second, I was considering going grocery shopping at Trader Joe’s but they close in 45 minutes and I’m still enjoying myself out in the wonderful Michigan summer weather. It may or may not sound like I’ve done a lot today. I do know I will sleep well tonight.

HPIM2769

Ghetto Gear! on Eight Mile

Wait, what did you say?

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I was diagnosed with ADHD this week.

I knew I had a lot of problems but in my nearly 25 years of experience, I never suspected that could be one of them.

But then, I believed you had to be a ten year old boy who climbed everything like a monkey in order to be qualified for it. And even then, that’s what a lot of people would just characterize as “high spirited.”

I remember the diorama I never finished in third grade, the robot I never finished in fourth grade, the report on Walt Disney I turned in with an 18 point font to meet the page requirement in fifth grade. Yes, some of it was a lack of interest on my part although looking back, I can’t imagine why. Today I would consider those really neat projects. But I felt a mixture of apathy, disdain and pure frustration as early as eight years old.

I am not a stupid person. I’m not particularly intellectual and I could stand to brush up on my current events. But I am clever, quick witted, creative and can make a damn good pierogi. I coasted through school and graduated by just showing up. I scored a 27 on my ACT without studying. If I had ever put effort into academics growing up, I’d be in a different place today.

But growing up, I was a very lazy person. I got bored easily and motivation came and went as it pleased. If I didn’t see a reason to do something, I wouldn’t do it. My mantra was, “Whats the point?”

It was only two months ago when my therapist suggested I look into ADHD. I thought she was way off base. I never knew that it wasn’t merely about physical hyperactivity but hyperactivity of the mind. And now that I’ve been looking into it, it actually makes sense to me.

Focusing on one thing at a time is nearly impossible. Unless it’s something that completely captures my attention I will not be able to concentrate on any one thing. I was obsessed with hockey in my teens to the point where it annoyed people around me. But it was one of a handful of things that kept me going day after day, week after week, month after month. I followed an entire 82 game season plus playoffs and was content to watch other teams play if my Red Wings were off that night. I’m not as immersed in it anymore but watching a hockey game still gives me a sense of relaxation. For three periods, all is right in the world.

What gets me in trouble is following through with things. Anything. I’ve gained a reputation as a flake because I can’t finish what I start. I take on a seemingly innocuous amount of projects and it quickly becomes so overwhelming I feel mentally paralyzed. Getting out of bed becomes a challenge. Answering a phone call is just as stressful as a final exam. It doesn’t change my desire to accomplish things. My goals haven’t vanished and my priorites are not the issue. It’s a matter of actually finding a way to put one foot in front of another so I can make something happen. And recognizing my problems but not knowing how to fix them only makes them worse.

Amazingly, just finding out what is wrong eases the problem significantly and makes the solution less overwhelming. Now that I have more information about what I’m experiencing I will hopefully be better prepared to make things better. (Also, maybe I’ll blog more consistently.)

Written by becklo

July 2, 2010 at 4:34 am

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Really smart things I’ve recently done

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I am the albino who goes to the zoo in a sleeveless dress without putting on sunscreen.

I’m that girl who leaves her laptop in the backseat of her friend’s car right before he goes out of state for a week.

I’m the one who parks on a side street and pays attention to all the signs except the “no parking” one.

My brilliance shines through on a constant basis. It is what makes me me.

Written by becklo

June 30, 2010 at 1:19 am

Posted in writing

Toy Story 3 made me cry

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Toy Story 3 made me cry.

It’s true. I can admit it. I saw Toy Story 3 at the midnight showing last night and I bawled like a baby. I walked out of the theater with tear streaks running down my face. My eyes are still puffy half a day later.

But it was amazing. It was everything good and right. Even the parts that wretched the heart strings were done as they needed to be done.

In the end, it was realistic and I can’t say I would change a thing. In an idealistic world the series would have ended happily ever after with Toy Story 2 and Andy would never have gotten any older. But for a movie to suck you into its own reality and genuinely make you care about these toys as though they were your family members… well, it’s such a hard won victory that Pixar pulled of f flawlessly.

I will be 25 years old in a few weeks. I haven’t cried in a movie theater since Mufasa died. I was eight.

But with all the sob stories surrounding Toy Story 3, I’d be remiss to not point out what a wonderful and well thought out movie it is. Laughs are just as consistent as tears and the continuity was definitely well considered. I was blown away when Toy Story 2 came out because I didn’t think it could top the original. And now to see a trilogy of stories that began when I myself was Andy’s age makes for a perfect happy ending.

Written by becklo

June 18, 2010 at 5:15 pm

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Blast from the past: June 5, 2003

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Congratulations Becky

Seven years ago, I graduated from high school.

I narrowly made it. I started suffering from senioritis my first semester of freshman year. I was that lost soul who had no idea what to do with herself. It wasn’t that I lacked ambition, I just never saw what opportunities I had ahead of me.

Fast forward to 2010. I’ve bounced around a couple community colleges and had an insane, unaffordable amount of majors. I still don’t know what I want but I’m at least better aware of what’s out there.

Other people are graduating grad school, getting married, buying houses, starting families. I’m nowhere near that point. And sometimes it’s difficult to not compare myself with the success of others.

But they never had the life I’ve had. Are they more fortunate for that or am I? I think time will tell.

Written by becklo

June 4, 2010 at 10:17 pm

Posted in Photography, writing

Root beer runs right through me

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I’m sitting in an A&W parking lot with a tray carrying crumpled wrappers and a half-drunk glass mug of root beer hanging off my window. I’m listening to the Foo Fighters patched through from my laptop to the car stereo. There’s a carhop who looks strikingly like a young Darren McCarty and he’s very polite to every customer. I think I’m the only one who notices.

It’s hot and sunny outside but I’m sitting under the awning in the shade. A gentle breeze is trying to make its way into my car but all it manages to do is fling unused ketchup packets around the tray. It’s supposed to storm later on today. I hope I can avoid the bulk of that. This car doesn’t do so well in the rain.

The disadvantage to having my window open is having to listen to the loudmouth in the van next to me. He’s on his cell phone with someone he works with but to listen to him, you’d think the guy is 500 feet away, not on the other end of a telephone call. They’re going to shrink someone’s fireplace. Sounds like something Harry Potter would do.

But I do like to sit here and think about how my grandparents would come here when my mom was little. 40, maybe 50 years ago, my grandfather was in this exact same spot. Listening to the radio and smoking his cigarettes. Now we listen to MP3s and know that tobacco is evil.

I wish this place had a public restroom.

Written by becklo

May 5, 2010 at 9:42 pm

Posted in Uncategorized, writing

Yo’ Mama’s so poor, the last time you had a hot meal was when yo’ sister threw up

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Clearly my original mission to upload a new picture here each day has failed. I was doing well for a few weeks but the fact is I have an unreliable wifi connection and I expected too much out of my ability to stick to a daily routine. I will try to salvage this by changing up what I post and combining my photographic endeavors with thoughts and anecdotes that can be equally appealing to those who know me and those who do not.

I like to write. I just have terrible focus and limited quantities of motivation.

In my bathroom, there is a multi-tier shelf over the toilet. It has become a miniature library of sorts and my most recent addition to the throne of bathroom reading is a book I bought years ago on clearance at a Borders Outlet. It’s called Yo Mama! Uncensored by Snap C. Pop and Kid Rank. It is a beautiful late 90’s collection of insults directed toward your mother such as, “Yo’ Mama’s so fat, Blockbuster Video started a home-delivery service just for her” and “Yo’ Mama’s so stupid, she pawned her TV for a VCR.” In fact, “Yo’ Mama’s so boring, Siskel and Ebert would give it ‘two thumbs up her ass.'”  There are few things I appreciate as much as a classic out-of-date joke. (What did Bill Clinton tell Gary Condit?  “At least your intern disappeared!”) To its credit, there are a few gems in here that are actually pretty good and I would use even today.

Yo’ Mama’s so stupid, they had to burn down the school just to get her out of fifth grade!
Yo’ Mama’s so fat, the crucifix around her neck has a real person attached to it!
Yo Mama’s so ugly, they let her park in the handicapped zone!
Yo’ Mama’s so stupid, she thinks a hot meal is stolen food!

And who can pass up “Yo’ Mama’s so nasty, when I asked her what’s for dinner, she jumped up on the table and said crabs!”? Mmm, delicious! This book is truly fantastic and would make a perfect addition to anybody’s trove of bathroom reading.

Written by becklo

April 25, 2010 at 8:04 pm

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